PARENTING PRINCIPLES

What Provokes a Child to Wrath?

We are commanded in Ephesians 6:4 to not provoke our children to wrath. In Colossians 3:21, Paul gives the reason for this command, "lest they become discouraged." The word discouraged means, to become disheartened or to lose their passion or motivation or to take the wind out of their sails (Amplified Bible). Therefore, if this command is so clearly given to us as parents, we must determine what parental actions could possibly provoke our children to wrath.

1. Speaking to your children in a harsh, degrading or disrespectful way.
You are called to speak to your children in a manner that would build them up, not tear them down. You can’t call your children stupid, dumb, slob, or klutz, without reaping a detrimental effect in their lives. This action will cause them to harbor resentment in their hearts toward you for being spoken to in this manner. Your children will listen to how you speak to others and will know that you don't speak this way to other people (Prov. 15:1; Eph. 4:31; Prov. 12:18; Col. 4:6). In addition, it may not be what you say, but the way you speak that hurts them. If you want your children to respect you, then you must speak respectfully to them.

2. Refusing to listen to your children.
When you don't give your undivided attention, interrupt your children, put them off continually, you are demonstrating that you aren’t interested in really hearing what they have to say. Eventually they will give up trying to talk with you which automatically creates further distance in your relationship. (James 1:19; Prov. 18:13; Prov. 18:15).

3. Inconsistent discipline.
When your rules change with each new day or simply because of the mood your in, children become resentful because they never know what you will will do. One day a certain action is wrong and the next day you could care less. Children need the stability of your consistent and faithful word. God wants you to be faithful just as He is (Mal. 3:6; Matt. 5:37; Matt. 23:3). Give clear limits and boundaries. Then be consistent to discipline their rebellion (Prov. 13:24).

4. Over-discipline.
When you give your children restriction for a month for some small infraction or a spanking when they only needed a verbal reproof, this causes your children to become angry with you because they consider these actions as unfair. Ultimately, they will give up trying to please you because they become hardened toward you. Example: David totally rejected his son Absalom and would have nothing to do with him for killing his brother Amnon. Then David allowed Absalom to come back to Jerusalem but refused to see him for 2 years. Absalom later rebelled against David and tried to take the kingdom from his father (2 Sam. 14:28-29).

5. Lack of discipline.
When you rarely reprove your children verbally, restrict them for rebellion, or spank them when necessary, they will wonder if you even care about what they do (Prov. 13:24; Prov. 22:15; Prov. 29:15). In addition, your children will not make the connection between sin and consequences in life. Example: David never disciplined or punished Amnon for raping his sister which resulted in Absalom’s murder of his brother. All David did was get angry (2 Sam. 13:21-39). Neither did David ever rebuke or disciple Adonijah, the brother of Absalom, which also caused him to rebel against David (1 Kings 1:5-6).

6. Constant fault-finding and punishment without praise and reward.
When discipline is needed in your child’s life you must deliver it in a fair and controlled manner. However, praise and reward are equally important if you are to be fair with your child. When you give your child a "well done," sometimes this is all the reward they need. God uses reward as a motivation for His children to obey (Prov. 12:25; Ps. 72:15; Matt. 6:4).

7. Physical abuse.
If you punch, kick, shove, slap, or beat your children, you are actually break their spirit and provoking them to resentment and wrath toward you. These actions are not what the Bible calls discipline. In fact, this is physical abuse due to your lack of self-control. You cannot justify your actions with the proverb that commands you to "Beat with the rod" (Prov. 23:13). The Hebrew word for beat means, "to lightly strike." Discipline should always be motivated by love, done in a respectful manner, and always when you are controlled. This is how God corrects you (Heb. 12:6; Prov. 3:11-12; Rev. 3:19).

8. Refusing to humble yourself and ask your child’s forgiveness.
If you fail to do any of the items above, you are not exempt from the responsibility of seeking reconciliation with your child just because you are the parent. Your child must be viewed as any other Christian, and therefore, if you sin against them, you must repent and ask their forgiveness. Refusing to ask their forgiveness when you have failed only causes them to lose respect for you. When you do ask their forgiveness you are teaching them, by example, the importance of reconciliation and how they should act in their future family (Matt. 18:15; Luke 17:1-4; Matt. 5:23,24).

The bottom line in parenting is this: in all that you do, you must be controlled by biblical commands and principles. Your life must be ruled by God’s love, His truth, fairness, humility, and consistency. If you are committed to these principles and are surrendered to the power of the Holy Spirit, you will be kept from provoking your children to wrath.

This study was written by Pastor Steve Carr. If we can be of any further assistance please contact us at www.calvaryag.org or ccag@calvaryag.org or (805) 481-2320.

REVISED 3-2000