PARENTING PRINCIPLES
Single Parenting
The struggle to be a successful parent is a great task for any two-parent home, however, when a parent is alone this adds even more stress into the equation. Single parenting is extra tough because you have double the responsibility with half the resources. There is no task more difficult than single parenting.
I. Personal Struggles of a Single Parent, and Solutions
A. Problem: Dealing with the past
When there has been a divorce you struggle with feelings of anger, resentment, fear, guilt, hopelessness, and self-pity which can cause an over-all depression that clouds your view of life. Your spiritual and emotional resources are therefore taxed to the limit because you are dealing with your own internal issues. If these issues go unresolved it greatly affects your ability to parent effectively because of the simple reality, you can't give what you don't have.
Solution:
1. Get personal counseling to resolve these issues in your life which will allow you to be restored and enable you to go forward (Gal. 6:1).
2. Study the Word of God on these issues to receive encouragement and guidance that will personally set you free (2 Tim. 3:16-17).
3. Talk to other single parents to see how they have dealt with these issues.
B. Problem: Loneliness and the lack of adult conversation
Because you are by yourself and with children all day this results little contact with other adults. The lack of adult conversation results in a sense of isolation and loneliness. Even if you work at a job outside the home, there are still only children to talk with when you come home. If you're struggling with the previous issue, then you won't even want to be around people, which results in further isolation.
Solution:
1. First, you must resolve your internal conflicts so you want to be around other adults.
2. Seek out other adult and single adult friendships. You need the fellowship and encouragement friends can give (Phil. 2:1-2; Prov. 18:1).
2. Purpose in your heart not to isolate yourself by going to church regularly, having other single parents over to your home, and scheduling recreation with other adults.
C. Problem: Trying to be Both Mother and Father
Most single parents try to fulfill both roles, but in reality, this is an impossible task. You are only one person with only so much time and only certain gifts and abilities. A mother can't teach her son about working on cars if she isn't mechanical, any more than a father can give his daughter tips on how to put on make-up. You must recognize the fact that there are only certain needs that you can fulfill.
Solution:
1. Accept the fact that you can't do it all.
2. Look for others who can substitute for your mate and give the counsel and help needed (Gal.6:2).
3. Pool your resources with other single parents to supply these needs.
D. Problem: Struggling over loss of time with your children when they don’t live with you
The loss of time with your children can be one of the most heart wrenching dilemmas of divorce. You not only lose your spouse, but you also lose precious time with your children.
Solution:
1. If possible, live as close geographically to your children as you can. This enables them to be able to ride a bike or walk over to see you. In addition, it enables you to be at their school or sports functions.
2. Phone them a couple of times a week to say hi and check on how they are doing.
3. Send notes to just say you love them.
4. Find hobbies you can do with them when they come over.
5. Make sure they have your phone number during working hours and the assurance that you're available if they are in need.
E. Problem: Financial pressure
When death or divorce removes the source of income to the family things become extremely tight financially. This creates great pressure on you and usually results in the buildup of anger in your heart, especially when you see important needs left unmet.
Solution:
1. To enable you to reduce expenses, seek out another single parent or single person to move in with you to help cut costs.
2. If you have never set up a budget get some counseling on how to do this. You need to manage well all your resources.
3. Establish clear priorities of what is an essential need versus a desire.
4. Don't get into debt with credit cards. Debt only adds more financial pressure.
5. Encourage the kids to get after school jobs (Paper route, baby-sitting). This teaches them a good work ethic, gives them responsibility, and allows them to have some money of their own.
II. Parenting Struggles and Solutions
A. When you don't agree with your former spouse on their parenting style
Great problems arise when one parent allows the children to do things that the other forbids. A tug of war begins and the children are in the middle.
Solution:
1. Without an angry or confrontational attitude, call or sit down with your former spouse and try to solve these issues (James 1:20; Matt. 5:25).
2. Focus this conversation on the confusion and resentment that this is causing in the children. Emphasize that they are the losers in this battle between you.
3. Stress what is in the best interest of the children, not who is right.
B. When your children feel angry or guilty for the divorce
Anger and guilt are a very common experience in most homes where divorce has occurred. The children's lack of ability to understand what has occurred usually causes children to think, If I were only better, my parents wouldn't have divorced!
Solution:
1. Confirm to your children that they can't fully understand what has happened now, but they will when they are older (1 Cor. 13:11).
2. Assure them that this was a problem between mom and dad, and has nothing to do with them.
3. Assure your children of your love for them. (John 15:9)
4. Tell your former spouse about this problem in the child’s thinking so he or she may also confirm the same things.
5. Encourage your children to forgive if they are holding resentment. Get counseling on how to encourage them to forgive. You must talk to them honestly and directly about these issues. Don't let their anger or guilt lie dormant inside them. Get it out in the open and resolve it.
C. Failing to discipline because you're afraid you might lose them to your former spouse
Many parents go through this fear. Sometimes children even threaten the parents with the possibility of moving to live with the other parent in the heat of a conflict. Sometimes this is a bluff to get their own way. Other times they are sincere in their threat because they think it will be easier with your former spouse.
Solution:
1. First, be sure your discipline is fair and based in love.
2. Remember the basic goals of parenting and discipline that God has called you to, covered in parts 1-4 of this study.
3. If possible, ask your former spouse to back you up in your discipline. Have them confirm that these are the same rules in his or her house as well.
D. Failing to have devotions because of a lack of time
With all the pressures of work, schoolwork, daily chores, cooking, and laundry, devotions usually get left until later, yet later never comes.
Solution:
1. Chores must first be divided up among all the children according to their age and ability. By sharing the family household duties it keeps you from having to do everything. Establishing each child’s responsibility is best done through a family meeting where you explain the need to pull together as a family.
2. When household duties are shared like this it enables you to have more free time to then think about and prepare a devotional to share.
3. Don't try to do devotions every day. Try once or twice a week to begin with and add another time as the opportunity arises. Remember, the best time for devotions is while they are eating breakfast, dinner, or bedtime.
III. Where can you find help as a single parent?
A. Your own family
Your family should be your primary helpers. They have a personal knowledge of your needs because of their continual contact with you. Also, they usually have a true love and concern for your kids. Don't be shy about letting them know about your needs because this is what families are for (1 Tim. 5:8). Unfortunately, because of their geographical distance from you it may be impossible for them to help. If this is the case you should consider the possibility of moving nearer to enable this support.
B. Your close friends
Your friends are another invaluable source of help. Friends also have close contact with you, understand what your needs are, and care for you as a person. Don't be shy about asking for help (Prov. 17:17; Prov. 18:24).
C. Your church
The pastors of your church should be able to give you encouragement and counsel when you're discouraged. The singles ministry at your church should also be able to do the same. When there are emergencies in paying bills and when your family is unable or unwilling to help, the church will. Don't be shy about asking for help here either (1 Tim. 5:16; Acts 6:1-5).
D. Other single parents or couples in your church
If you have established friendships with two-parent families or other single parents, tap into their gifts and abilities. Let them also know where you could serve or be of help to them (Matt. 7:12). This is what the family of God is all about!
E. The government
The government can help in may ways too. When your spouse has left you without anything, the government can help you with financial assistance, low cost housing, medical aid, and even job training. There is no reason why you shouldn't use these services if you are in need. You, your friends, and your family have been paying taxes for years to provide for this assistance. Paul appealed to the power of the Roman government to protect him from the physical harm the Jews had planned for him (Acts 25:11). Paul also taught that the government authorities were ministers of God to you for good (Rom. 13:1-4). Just remember, if you use government resources, you will also be inviting governmental strings to be attached to your life.
IV. Critical Concerns
A. Keep Christ first in your life
If you want to be successful as a parent, remember this principle: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" (Matt. 6:33). If you seek Him first He will be found by you. He will provide and guide you through whatever comes your way. Keep your focus off of yourself and on Him (Heb. 12:2). Remember, you can't lead your children into the kingdom is your aren’t seeking the kingdom.
B. Keep your children as your primary ministry concern
Paul taught that we should first show piety or godliness at home (1 Tim. 5:4,8). Be careful not to become overly committed to ministry or service at church to the point that you neglect your own children's needs. They are your first priority.
C. Ask God to bring you contentment
Paul taught that contentment is what he learned while he was in prison after being forsaken and betrayed by friends (Phil. 4:11-13). This is a great secret for a single parent. Accept the reality of your present circumstances. Seek to find God's grace to live and endure the hardships. Find His strength to do what is set before you each day. Do your best, and commit the rest into His hands.
D. Don't believe your children are doomed to grow up emotionally damaged just because they live in a single parent home
This concept is a lie. If you are loving your children, teaching and disciplining them to the best of your ability, God will support you and them. God will not abandon you. He is "The Father of the fatherless, a defender of widows" (Ps. 68:5). This means He will be with you always and help you in your parenting responsibility. Remember, that many great men of God grew up without any parents or were raised by foster parents in very adverse situations. Moses was raised in Pharaoh's house and yet because God’s prophet the nation of Israel (Ex. 2:10). Joash, at the age of seven became king over Israel after his whole family was murdered. He became a godly man that affected an entire nation. Josiah, at age eight years old also became a great king over Israel. His family also was murdered (2 Chron. 33-35).
E. You are not a loser just because you've been divorced
Don't believe this lie either. Even if you were the cause of the divorce, God still has an eternal plan for your life (Eph. 2:10). The Father has known about your life from eternity past. He knows the plans He has established for you and He will perform them. God doesn't just forget about His plan for you simply because of one failure in your life. God is a good forgiver, take Him up on His forgiveness. Notice what God said to the Nation Israel after they had sinned and rebelled against Him: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me, and I will listen to you and you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:11-13). The bottom line is this: You must believe God wants to bless your life and quit looking backward and start looking forward (Phil. 3:13).
V. Things to consider concerning your children before you remarry
A. Does your prospective mate love your children as much as he or she loves you? How does he or she demonstrate love and acceptance to your children? Remember, a marriage partner must be willing to accept the responsibility of parenting your children as well as marrying you.
B. Has your prospective mate established a real relationship with your children? Do your like to spend time one-on-one your prospective mate engaged in hobbies or recreation? How do they get along when they do?
C. Do your children demonstrate love and respect your prospective mate? Have they verbalized this to you in private? How do they demonstrated their love and respect toward your fiancé?
VI. Things to consider before you remarry
A. Have you understood the real causes of your divorce?
B. Have you resolved these issues before God?
C. Have you asked your former spouse for forgiveness for anything you did to cause the divorce?
D. Are you looking for a person you can give to, or someone to rescue and take care of you?
E. Are you truly content in your life and relationship with Christ?
F. Do you sense you are a different person spiritually and morally than you were in your previous marriage?
G. Have you gained the skills to solve conflicts instead of avoiding them?
H. Do you still entertain fantasies of reconciliation with your previous mate?
VII. Things to consider and look for in a mate
A. Is this person committed to Christ?
B. Do you have similar spiritual goals?
C. Make a list of the things you disliked about your previous partner. This will help you not to marry the same type of person again.
D. What kind of relationship does your prospective mate have with his or her parents and friends? How does he or she treat them? This is important because this is eventually how your prospective mate will treat you. Remember, when you date someone he or she will always be on their best behavior.
E. Don't date anyone whose divorce is not final. Until someone is legally divorced he or she is still biblically married. This person will also still be working through many heart issues that will hinder them from establishing a depth of relationship with anyone. See questions discussed above.
F. It's important to date someone at least six months to a year before even beginning to think about marriage. You need plenty of time to see this person in many different kinds of circumstances. This helps you to be sure of the kind of person you will be marring. You don't want another divorce.
G. Ask yourself the hardest question; What is attracting you to this person? What are the primary and secondary attractions? List them on a piece of paper so you can clearly see them and refer back to them later. Be honest. Last, line these issues up with Scripture.
H. If your prospective mate is in heavy financial debt, don't even consider marriage until these debts are paid off. Financial pressures are a fundamental cause of marital problems and divorce. In addition, has this person truly resolved his or her overspending problems or will they carry this into a new marriage with you?
I. Does this person accept you unconditionally or is there regular criticism waged in your direction?
J. Will this person be a good example to your children?
K. Does he take the lead in willing service to you and your children?
L. Does she lovingly respect your spiritual leadership?
This study was written by Pastor Steve Carr. If we can be of any further assistance please contact us at www.calvaryag.org or ccag@calvaryag.org or (805) 481-2320.
REVISED 4-2000