PARENTING PRINCIPLES
Teaching and Disciplining
In Ephesians 6:4, Paul gives the clearest and most direct command possible to parents. We are to bring our children up "in the training and admonition of the Lord." The word training means to instruct and nurture through discipline. The word admonition means to exhort, warn, and counsel. Paul uses this second word when he explains that the Scriptures have been given, and the many examples contained within their pages, as an admonition to our lives (1 Cor. 10:11). Therefore, you should use God’s Word as your primary source of training and admonishing your children.
I. Teaching and Disciplining Younger Children (Ages 2-5)
Younger children are very teachable, trusting, and dependent upon you as their parent. It is essential that you begin your teaching as early as possible. Therefore, establish the habit of teaching them as soon as they are able to sit with you and talk.
A. How to Teach
1. Begin with a Bible picture book.
2. As they grow begin to read Bible stories to them. Some good Bible story books are: The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes by Kenneth Taylor, Moody Press; Leading Little Ones to God by Marian Schoolland, Eerdmans Pub.; Read and Grow Picture Bible, Sweet Pub.
3. Be flexible to stop and answer any of their questions as you read.
4. Keep all explanations as simple as possible.
5. Answer their spontaneous questions when you are driving in the car or putting them to bed.
6. Set the example by teaching them your values, priorities, and what godly character looks like.
B. Common Errors in Teaching
1. Making the teaching time too long or giving long answers to their questions that they can’t follow. Remember, small children have a small attention span.
2. If you try to explain concepts they are not able to comprehend, you will frustrate them.
3. Not taking the time to teach them. If you are too busy to teach them your priorities must change. Remember, teaching your children is your calling as a parent and specifically the responsibility of fathers (Is. 38:19; Prov. 1:8).
C. The Purpose of Discipline
1. To give them an understanding of what is right and wrong and to teach them that there is always a consequence for sin (Prov. 10:13; Numbers 32:23; John 8:34; Rom. 6:23).
2. To correct and resist the sin and perversity of their hearts (Prov. 22:15). The word foolishness in this passage means sin or perversity.
3. Discipline with the ultimate desire to deliver their soul from rebellion which would lead them to hell (Prov. 23:13,14)(1 Cor. 11:32).
4. To produce obedience (Eph. 6:1-4).
5. To develop reverence toward you (Heb. 12:9).
6. To produce the peaceable fruit of righteousness in their lives (Heb. 12:11; Deut. 8:5,6). David said, "Blessed is the man You discipline, O Lord; the man You teach from Your law." (Ps. 94:12 NIV). The word blessed means happy. Therefore, the ultimate happiness of your child must be your goal in discipline. Happiness is also God's desire for your life as He disciplines you.
D. How to Discipline
1. The Basis of Your Discipline
a. Communicate fully and clearly what is wrong and unacceptable to your child.
b. Remember, the younger a child is, the harder it will be for them to reason through something as you do.
c. You must police and enforce every rule you make. At this age make as few rules as possible. Even God had only ten original commands.
d. Save yourself time and frustration by child-proofing your cabinets, using non-turn plastic door knobs, or anything to make your job easier.
e. When a problem occurs, get all the facts first. Who was involved? What exactly happened? You don’t want to sin by being unjust because of a lack of information.
f. Determine as best you can the intent of your child’s action. Was it rebellion, an accident, childish irresponsibility, a lack of ability to follow your rule, or their lack of understanding of what was required? Rebellion deserves discipline, an accident does not.
2. Forms of Discipline
a. Verbal reproof and correction (Prov. 29:15,17).
b. A time out on a chair near where you are working or in their bedroom.
c. Loss of a certain privilege or toy (Jer. 5:25).
d. Spanking (Prov. 13:24; Prov. 19:18; Heb. 12:6-9).
E. Common Errors in Disciplining
1. Allowing anger to control or motivate you.
2. Not getting all the facts before disciplining.
3. Spanking infants.
4. Not reconfirming your love after the discipline is over.
II. Teaching and Disciplining Older Children (Ages 5-12)
As children grow older they become more teachable because you have laid a foundation for discipleship by establishing the habit of teaching and training from a young age. As their reasoning capabilities mature their questions will become more profound as each year passes.
A. How to Teach
1. Read a devotional appropriate for their age level at the breakfast or dinner table or just before bed time.
2. Answer their spontaneous questions. These questions will increase as they grow older.
3. Pick a subject from the cyclopedic index of your Bible. Use this topic as your subject for the week, covering all aspects. Example: If your topic is forgiveness: Study (God’s forgiveness), (Upon what basis does God forgive), (Why you should forgive others), (How does a person forgive and reconcile with others) (Give personal examples of how you personally have forgiven - without using the person’s name). Explain meaning of each Scripture verse you use and how it should apply to their lives at school or at home.
4. Tell personal stories about how God has personally worked in your life by providing for you, protecting you, and guiding you (Ps. 78:4). These stories make very real to your children that God is truly alive and willing to work in their lives too.
5. One important teaching tool is the requirement of faithfulness and responsibility. When your children ask for greater privileges and freedoms, explain the biblical principle of earning these privileges by showing faithfulness and responsibility (Matt. 25:21,23; Mark 4:24,25).
6. Systematically teach biblical values such as honesty, self-discipline, dependability, respect, love, and unselfishness. A good book giving practical ways to do this is entitled Teaching Your Children Values by Linda and Richard Eyre, Simon and Schuster.
B. How to Discipline
1. The Basis of Your Discipline
a. Use the same principles as with younger children.
b. Remember, an older child can reason and remember much better. Therefore, this means that they have greater capability to deceive or mislead you. Be careful to always get all the facts.
2. Forms of Discipline
a. Use the same forms as with younger children with some exceptions and additions.
b. The older a child gets the more you need to move from the use of spanking to the use of reason. Spanking should be used less and less and completely phased out by the age of twelve or the onset of puberty. With the onset of adulthood you must change your forms of discipline to more adult methods. As they grow in their reasoning abilities, discussion, explanation, examples from your own life, will become much more effective tools in training and correction (Is. 1:18).
c. Use logical consequences so they will see the relationship between the infraction and your discipline. For instance, if your child runs over someone maliciously with their bicycle, take the bike away for a reasonable period of time (Ex. 22:1; 2 Thess. 3:10; Gal. 6:7). If your child fights or bullies the children at school, have them sit on the bench for their recess times for a day or two.
d. If they have maliciously destroyed or stolen something, make them pay restitution or replace the item. Restitution should always come from their own allowance or from their personal labor to repay you or the offended party. Children must be reminded that this kind of discipline is the way things are done in the real world (Luke 19:8; Neh. 5:11,12).
This study was written by Pastor Steve Carr. If we can be of any further assistance please contact us at www.calvaryag.org or ccag@calvaryag.org or (805) 481-2320.
REVISED 3-2000